So, you are corresponding with a man on an online dating site and he asks if you'd like to meet in a part of town that is awkward to get to by bus. Is this the time to tell him you are legally blind and can't drive, or should you make some other excuse for wanting a different meeting location and tell him about your disability when you and he know each other better? Experience suggests that many people are not educated about what it is like to live with a disability and harbor prejudices that would cut off prospects of a date with this man right there. On the other hand, why should you have to hide who you are? And would you want a date with this guy anyway, if it turns out he can't take in this piece of information in an open-minded manner?
With the huge and important exception of job interviews, I usually err on the side of straightforwardness when it comes to such matters. In my more defiant moments, I tell my friends that talking about illness and disability is a good screening device that helps eliminate the closed-minded in one fell swoop.
Thus, a few years ago, when I read Rhoda Olkin's excellent book, What Psychotherapists Should Know about Disability, I was interested to discover that she made a point, on her first date with her future husband, to arrive at the restaurant first and get seated, so that he would not see that she had trouble walking as a result of Polio until after they had had the opportunity to converse during dinner. That made me think. After all, Rhoda is married and I'm single! Additionally, I thought of one of my very close friends and how, long after we had gotten to know each other very well, we were able to have some frank conversations about disability experiences and rights in which, he admitted, he may not have been able to participate so fully earlier on in our relationship. And he is a very thoughtful and open-minded guy.
I know that when I see men online who are wanting to date women of certain races and not of others, I eliminate them from my consideration immediately. I don't want to date a racist, even an honest one. However, almost every guy states that he is looking for a woman who is young (or young looking) and fit as heck and "healthy". As a person with many wonderful qualities and a chronic illness (which is, in fact, the source of some of those terrific traits), that offends me too; but, if I eliminated all those men, I'd be out of the dating business completely. Realistically, men might have to meet me first before they realize what is really attractive and important to them. Society is still in the dark ages when it comes to disability and illness.
So, "if and when to tell" is a tricky business. I still prefer to tell early and take my chances (What can I say? I've just got to be me!) but I keep a more open mind now when I help my clients with disabilities and illnesses consider their options in making these difficult choices. Perhaps every such choice must be made both on an individual and a case by case basis.Labels: dating, disability, illness