I just read a book that I think all couples where one spouse has ADD or ADHD (or might) should read. It's The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov and I thank my colleagues on the listserv of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy for recommending it to me.
Like Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is the basic framework I use in my work with all couples (and which I have written about in an earlier post), this book recognizes how couples where one partner has ADHD can get into a pursue/ withdraw pattern (what Orlov calls "the symptom--response--response cycle") that can be incredibly frustrating, difficult to stop without therapeutic help, and destructive to the relationship. Further, Orlov shows how the couple's problems can snowball over time without treatment for the ADHD and the fallout that has likely occurred to both partners' mental health and the relationship. Most importantly, she explains how couples who are greatly suffering from "the ADHD effect" in their marriages might not even be aware of the disorder's role in their marital difficulties.
The book is very clear in describing the specific negative relationship patterns that are likely occurring if ADHD is present, so that couples can identify if this may be the original source of their problems. Helpfully, Ovlov cites the specific experiences of ADHD spouses and non-ADHD spouses alike, both with the problems that "the ADHD effect" caused in their marriage, and with the wonderful improvements that have occurred with treatment. Finally, she sets out what, in my opinion, sounds like a very sensible step-by-step method of repairing relationships that have been terribly damaged by untreated ADHD and both partners' responses to it.
Since reading this book, I have already formulated improved treatment plans for two of my clients.
For couples in trouble who just want a taste of this subject (and also recommended to me by my colleagues at ICEEFT), there is a very informative, lighthearted and upbeat video that can be rented from Amazon called "ADD and Loving It" that might make an enlightening joint project.
And speaking of "joint" and of "lighthearted," both of these materials stress two important points to remember when exploring the ADHD effect on marraige:
1) Problems that develop in marriages due to undiagnosed or untreated ADD/ ADHD are created jointly by both partners and need to be solved jointly as well, and
2) The upside of ADD/ADHD in a relationship is that the spontaneity, creativity, and different way of looking at the world offered by the ADD/ADHD partner means that, once repaired, the marriage where ADD/ADHD is present will never lack spark.Labels: ADD, ADD and Loving It, ADHD, couples counseling, Melissa Orlov, The ADHD Effect on Marriage